Sure, the idea of discussing that embarrassing sex moment -
let alone ever having sex again! - makes you squirm, but ignoring
the elephant in the (bed)room won't make it go away. Sex experts Em
& Lo reveal how to recover when it all goes wrong...
When bad sex happens to good people, you go with the flow, keep
a stiff upper lip (among other body parts), and just get through it
with as much grace as possible. When you're in the moment, you
don't have much time to worry, over-analyse or fume. That's what
happens later.
In the hours, days and weeks that follow a sexual speed bump,
chances are you obsess about the situation, mulling over what could
have, should have and, ultimately, what did
happen - or didn't, as the case may be. And you can bet the man in
your life is feeling exactly the same way.
But how to get past this? First things first: don't panic. We
know exactly how you feel - yes, it really has happened to all of
us at one time or another - so we spoke to a team of experts to
find out the best ways to forget the flops and get on with getting
it on. Stress-free sex, here you come!
When his equipment fails
"The first night I slept with my boyfriend, it just didn't
happen," says Claire, 31. "We were drunk and he couldn't get it up.
We decided to try again the following morning, and it still didn't
work - we were hungover, hungry and tired. I was ready to give up
completely."
Despite the fact that erectile issues are pretty common among
guys, the cultural assumption persists that men are sex machines
who are always turned on and whose batteries never die. So when
you're with a bloke whose equipment fails (and you will be, if you
haven't already), it's only natural to automatically assume the
worst: you're not attractive enough to turn him on, he's cheating
on you, you're bad in bed, etc. But that's a mistake.
"It's much more likely to be due to his fears about impressing
you," says Dr Petra Boynton, a sex researcher at University
College, London. (And if he's imbibed too much liquid courage to
allay those fears, forget it!) Another mistake? Avoiding the issue
after the event. "Although it may feel embarrassing to bring it up,
not talking about it or pretending it didn't happen can make things
worse," she adds. You could set yourselves up for a repeat
performance, so to speak, as you're both still secretly anxious
about it. So, gently bring it up a day or two later, outside the
bedroom, to take the pressure off.
"Ease his anxiety by explaining there's lots you can do together
sexually that doesn't involve his penis," says Dr Boynton. If the
problem persists or worsens, he can get help with a psychosexual
therapist - either your GP can refer you to an NHS one, or you can
go privately via corst.org.uk. Whatever you do, Dr Boynton stresses
avoiding the temptation to self-medicate with herbal products or
sex drugs sold online: "At best, these will just waste your money;
at worst, they could cause you both real harm."
Claire didn't give up on her boyfriend. "I didn't make a big
deal about it," she says. "The next time he stayed over, I
showered, put on some cute PJs and we watched TV - and then it
happened. And it's been happening ever since."
When his porn habit's exposed
You and your partner have a great relationship and an even
better sex life. You trust each other totally. Then one day, you
discover his secret porn habit in the laptop history or walk in
while he's masturbating. Suddenly, you're questioning the entire
partnership, your desirability and his taste (or lack thereof).
"Most of us know it's normal for men to use porn now and again,"
explains Violet Blue, sex educator of tinynibbles.com and author of
The Smart Girls' Guide To Porn. "But even the most
open-minded women will have a split-second feeling of being cheated
on. That's normal, too."
But how do you keep that from undermining your faith in the
relationship - and confidence in bed? Blue says porn is like
Cirque du Soleil: exciting to watch, but only possible for
professionals to perform. And, she says, surveys show men don't
expect or want girlfriends to perform such death-defying acts.
It might also help to talk to your partner before you have sex
again. "Understanding it is a form of getting control over it, so
ask questions about what exactly appeals to him," says Blue.
"Masturbation habits are also up for negotiation." You're within
your rights to say you don't want to know about it. He's
responsible for his actions, and must be responsive to how they
make you feel. But remember, you can't legislate desire.
When he gets vibrator envy
The way you feel when you discover his porn habit is the exact
way he feels when he stumbles across your Rabbit. In fact, one of
the most common questions we get as advice columnists is, "How do I
get my boyfriend to feel comfortable about my favourite toy?"
"Often, men see things like vibrators as 'replacements', rather
than additions to your sex life. So rather than a full-immersion approach the next
time you're getting busy together (i.e., whipping out your
battery-powered phallus mid-romp), do the following three things
beforehand:
1) Don't give up using your toy, but be discrete about it.
2) Reassure him that it doesn't live up the real thing, and that
you only use it for solo play.
3) Suggest purchasing a couples' toy you can enjoy
together.
"If he's willing, maybe start off with a blindfold and some
handcuffs for sexy play, then expand your repertoire from there,"
says Warmington. "You can graduate to something small and
non-threatening, such as a bullet vibrator. Use it on him first,
his nipples, perineum or testicles, before getting him to use it on
you. This way he'll feel included, not 'replaced'." It's a win-win
situation!
When you're exposed as an orgasm faker
Sometimes it's our equipment that doesn't work. In
fact, the majority of women don't reach orgasm through intercourse,
and lots more don't reach it despite the best oral and manual
efforts of a partner. So we fake it - to spare a partner's
feelings, to express genuine enjoyment, to simply move things
along. But what happens when we're busted by a suspicious
boyfriend? Or when, after many Oscar-worthy performances, we feel
compelled to 'fess up?
"You have to approach the subsequent sex with respect and
humility," says Mikaya Heart, author of The Ultimate Guide To
Orgasm For Women. "Most fakers do it because they're not
getting what they need from the partner. You have to say what you
need, and say it in a way your partner can hear it, which means
without any blame at all."
Of course, many women aren't even sure of exactly what it is
they need to get to their happy place. "Women often think there is
a right way of doing sex, and that they are doing it wrong,"
explains Heart. "In reality, there are no 'oughts' and 'shoulds'
around sex - we are all individuals with individual needs."
You also shouldn't be afraid of not orgasming. "Far too much
emphasis is put on orgasm," says Heart. So that means taking
orgasms off their pedestal and not faking again. As Heart stresses,
"Not ever!"
When you're having sex after a dry spell
"The long dry spell is a dirty little secret in many decent
relationships," says Pamela Haag, author of Marriage
Confidential. Some studies suggest that one in four marriages
is essentially sexless. "A lot of couples have unrealistic ideals,"
she says. "They use passion as a litmus test for the quality of
their relationship. But there are many facets to love, and a
sexless phase might even be a natural phase of a good
relationship." This might make you feel better for that three-month
drought, but it won't get you back in the sack. For that, we turned
to Dr Victoria and Dr John Wilson, married couple and co-authors of
The 30-Day Sex Solution: How To Build Intimacy, Enhance Your
Sex Life, And Strengthen Your Relationship In One Month's
Time.
"Before sexual fireworks, you need to first reconnect
emotionally," explain the doctors. "Look at old photos and recall
your initial lust for each other. Schedule a regular date night
where you can both dress up, go out and flirt with each other."
Once you're ready to get naked again, focus on new places and
activities. Check in to a B&B, or pick each other up in a bar
as if you've never met before. Or write down things you'd like to
try on little pieces of paper, add them to a sexual wish basket,
then take turns drawing from it.
Better, stronger, sexier
Not only can you recover from embarrassing sex, you can emerge
stronger than before, by following four simple steps, says Dr
Jeffrey Schwatrz and Dr Rebecca Gladding, co-authors of You Are
Not Your Brain.
STEP 1
RE-LABEL Identify deceptive, negative thoughts about
the situation so you can instead call the experience what it really
is - i.e., "This is not the end of the world, it was just one bad
sexual experience."
STEP 2
REFRAME Change your perception of these negative
thoughts by saying, "It's not ME, it's my BRAIN blowing things out
of proportion!"
STEP 3
REFOCUS Direct your attention towards a wholesome,
productive activity or outcome - such as using the situation to
communicate with each other and improve upon the relationship.
STEP 4
REVALUE See your recurring negative thoughts about the
situation for what they are: deceptive brain messages that aren't
true and therefore have no value. Focus on the thoughts that do
matter: the positive ones, like, "I am not my sex life."
When dirty talk goes wrong
Michelle, 28, told us about the first time she had sex with a
guy she once dated: "He insisted on referring to my 'pussy' - my
least favourite word. I kept my mouth shut about it, hoping he'd
shut his in return, but he didn't. And it ruined it for me."
If you don't have the nerve to speak up in the moment, like
Michelle, then you can still try to improve the bedroom banter over
breakfast the next morning, according to Dr Ruth Neustifter,
professional sexuality coach and author of The Nice Girl's
Guide To Talking Dirty. It's a quick and easy three-step
process.
1 Recognise how positive it is that your lover
was in to the moment.
2 Direct him firmly away from what you don't
like...
3 Immediately towards what you do
enjoy. Tossing in a compliment never hurts, either.
For example, you could say, "My God, I loved hearing your voice
when we're doing it! I'm not into ______, but you know what would
really turn me on next time? Hearing you tell me how my body feels
under your hands. I'd get so turned on if you told me about that."
